How to Handle Toddler Separation Anxiety
When your little one begs you not to abandon them at kindy (or at the nanny's or at bedtime), it can be tough to handle. Sad eyes and clingy pleas really pull at the heartstrings!
Tools for Handling Separation Worries
The Fast-Food Rule + Toddler-ese. Narrating your childâs feelings with a bit of intensity to hit their sweet spotâthis helps them feel accepted and safe.
Patience-Stretching. Practice the following three techniques for several days to help prepare your child for easier separations. Start with a few seconds and gradually increase to a minute. Theyâll quickly learn that waiting is cool because when theyâre patient they usually get what they want.
Fairy Tales. Prepare your child for what is to come by telling little stories in which Mummy goes away âŚbut always comes back.
âOnce upon a time there was a little birdie named Fluffy who worried when her mummy flew away to find breakfast. She said, âDonât go, Mummy!â But her mummy had to leave. . . for just a super-duper fast minute. So Fluffy waited and sang songs with her teddy bear until Mummy came back. Mummy always came back, and then Fluffy felt happy and safe. âYea! Mummyâs home!â the little birdie cheered, and her mum gave her lots of kisses . . . and some big juicy worms to eat.âÂ
Loveys. Loveys are terrific for kids with separation issues. Encourage your tot to make friends with a lovey. If your older toddler hasnât yet taken to one, offer a special charm (like a bracelet, magic coin, photo) that they can touch and look at whenever they miss you.Â
Itâs a good idea to practice these at home when your tyke is calm and happyârather than springing them on your little one when theyâre stressed.Â
Putting It All Together
After practicing the above techniques at home for several days, hereâs how to use them to respond to your childâs protests at daycare or preschool. I call this combination of tools âMummy Interruptus.â
Start by Connecting with Respect. Give hugs and echo your childâs concerns in a sincere voice with lots of repetition: âYou say, âNo! No, No!!! No school! No go, Mummy!â âOnce your tot calms a bit, give them a little time-in (play, read, or sit together as you describe what other kids are wearing and doing).Â
Next, use patience-stretching and loveys. After a few minutes, act like you suddenly remembered you have to do something: âOh! Oh! Wait! Wait! Mummy has to see Teacher. Wait! Wait!â Then say, âYou hold teddy (or your magic bracelet) really hard, and Mummy will be right back!â Then walk quickly across the room and return in just two or three seconds, saying, âI know, sweetheart. You say, âMummy, donât go!â But, good waiting! Good waiting! Come on, letâs play!â
If your tyke protests, reflect their feelings by hitting their sweet spot with your face, tone, and gestures. Play a little more, until they are happy for a few minutes; then repeat the patience- stretching. For example, you might suddenly say, âUh-oh! Pee-pee! Pee-pee! Mummy has to go pee-pee. Here, hug teddy, Iâll be right back.â Then leave the room for a quick three seconds.
Over the next 15 minutes, repeat this process many times. (âUh-oh! Mummy has to pee-pee again! Here, let me draw a funny face on your hand you can look at, and Iâll be right back.â) Gradually leave for longer periods (10 seconds, 20 seconds, 30 seconds, one minute).
Once your child can calmly handle several minutes without you, you can leave for good. But never sneak away! Give a big wave and cheerfully announce, âBye-bye! I love you. Iâll see you after your nap. If you want me, just touch your magic bracelet (or look at the funny face I drew on your hand) and think of me giving you a big hug.â You might also mention something fun youâll do together after school.Â
The Icing on the Cake: Praise + Gossip
When you pick your child up at the end of the day, praise your totâs success (give them a star or hand check). At home, gossip to Grandma or Daddy about their courage: âDarcy told me, âNo, no. Donât goâŚ,â but then she saw fun toys and some fun big girls, and she was brave. She had a silly time and ate snackâŚa big cracker with juice! Then Mummy came back and gave Darcy a big hug and we were happy!âÂ
Note: Some strong-willed kids cry when you leave, despite all your preparation. If that happens with your tot, call the school 20 minutes after you leave, and ask the teacher if they are still crying. If the school reports that they started playing happily two minutes after you left, take a deep breath and congratulate yourself. (Fortunately, this is what happens nine times out of 10.)
However, if your child wonât stop crying after you leave, something else may be fueling their anxiety. If there are stresses at home (like a new baby, divorce, etc.), plan to stay at school all day, for a few days, to monitor the situation. If you canât stay, try to pay some surprise visits to make sure the kids and teachers are treating your little one well. Keep using playing the boob, fairy tales, role-playing, patience-stretching, magic breathing, etc., to boost your totâs self-confidence at home. If the fussing continues, consider changing schools or sitters.
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