TODDLER
How to Stop—and Prevent!—Toddler Defiance
Toddler defiance is totally normal, but it can really push our buttons. Here is how to stop it…and prevent it before it starts.
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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TODDLER
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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All little kids defy their parents from time to time. Sometimes it is because the thrill of doing something 'forbidden' is irresistible, or it is payback for being stopped from doing something he wanted to do earlier in the day, or perhaps he has just forgotten the rule. But regardless of the reason, defiance can push our buttons like nothing else. We get mad, then our emotional elevator drops down, down, down to a primitive state of anger. Too often, we get sucked in so fast we just react . . . and then overreact.
A little defiance is normal, but repeated disrespect must be stopped. Now here is the tricky part: Trying to squash your child’s defiance with a display of anger often boomerangs. (Think of it as trying to intimidate a member of a motorcycle gang!) Rather than meekly giving in, your macho (or macha) little friend may actually yell right in your face and refuse to back down.
Here are some simple steps to prevent defiance before it happens:
Throughout a normal, happy day, offer your child dozens of little time-ins (like attention, praise, gossip, and hand checks), fun routines (like special time), and confidence builders (like offering options and playing the boob) to make him feel like a winner. These steps build the loving bond and magically help our kids become more cooperative and less defiant.
When you teach your child self-control you will make it easier for him to avoid conflict—with you or anyone else.
Practice by role-playing, by telling homespun fairy tales with messages about life lessons regarding right and wrong, and by catching others being good.
You will be most successful teaching your children respect, fairness, and calmness when you model them yourself, during times of conflict. So, when you are caught in a toddler rebellion, use your ambassadorial skills to help you turn conflict into cooperation. Here is how:
Use a few phrases to show you understand and care.
To help both you and your toddler save face, try offering options, inventing little competitions (making a game out of what you are requesting, like having a race), or suggesting a win-win compromise.
If defiance continues, it is time for a consequence…
Disclaimer: The information on our site is NOT medical advice for any specific person or condition. It is only meant as general information. If you have any medical questions and concerns about your child or yourself, please contact your health provider. Breastmilk is the best source of nutrition for babies. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, mothers eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast- and bottle-feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of a mother's breastmilk and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. If you do decide to use infant formula, you should follow instructions carefully.
